lazy monday evening
i just can't get her out of my head.it's pretty irritating.
thinking and wondering what was it like when she and him were like in love.
questioning myself if i had done my best in loving him more than her.
asking myself each time if i have done anything to make him proud of me.
often i wonder if what i did or said made him think of me less or more.
is tis called love or possession?
i don't like knowing that there is someone else out there who is better than i am in loving him.
it's an insecure feeling that i have that just won't go away.
i am not a prefect person, i am also learning to accept the things that he do.
i just want him to understand me well enough to do certain things.
but it seems like i am giving him too much pressure.
am i thinking too much?
sometimes i feel like a fool.
sometimes i feel that i don't deserve him like someone else do.
after all.. i am not a good person..
---
knowing that for the past few months, life haven't been right.
i just want things to be right again or at least less stressful for me.
mental tortures that i have been put through.
others may think that it's nothing but when you are actually in my position... i think some may have already jumped and die or be in IMH.
it is not easy living with someone who watches you like a hawk.
when you think that things are fine but they are actually just the beginning of another struggle in life.
i often think of giving up in life.
not many people understand me.
not many people know what is happening to my life.
they think that i am just being plain lazy and giving all sorts of excuses but..
I really am facing a hell load of shit.
---
"family is the pillar of my support"
how many of you can live with a family who totally objects you to doing anything.. how can i describe this feeling? until you have actually live with me?
sigh.. i am just being moody and depressed again.. i will snap out of it soon. *smiles*
i am a strong girl. i don't need others to motivate me. i can do it myself and with the help of God. *nods* I can make it. just like how i went through my SAT.. i can pull though..
Life is like a continous sine curve. when it goes down, it must come up. i will just have to bear with it.. cos things will be fine soon. I just have to tell myself.. "I love myself too much to hurt myself."
---
sometimes, i wished he would give me some replies.
or maybe i should understand that he's too busy to give me replies.
sometimes, i wished he would tell me nice things..
but i must be gratful that i have him and it's more than enough..
to give is to never expect to receive.
[m][e][s][s][a][g][e][s]
Francis: hey.. when do you want to catch up with me arh? better let me know by Thursday.
YF: sorry.. got FYP but i haven't done much.. I am terribly sorry. to you and to Eugene. I guess my programming shucks so much that i can't help you both do anything but cause more confusion if i tried. Anyway, i am willing to do the admin and presentation work.. anything else but just not programming.. please.. *begs*
Nadia: I wanna dye hair. Laughs.. wanna help me do it? hehehe.. btw, when are we going to meet up again?
Jacob: MC no more loh.. hehehe.. take care larh. don't think so much kk..
Thomas: enjoy your buffet with your friends and your block leave before it's too late. hehehe..
posted by JL @ 5:27 PM
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