living the world of hers; contradictions

friday already

Feeling: sleepy, tired, lack of motivation, lack of energy, moody, confused
Playing: 98.7FM, Numb/ Encore by Linkin Park
Location: TSP

sleepy & tired cos i just am. woke up at 7am this morning. it's been a long time since i woke up so early.. so i am still not used to it. besides, i slept at 1am last night. i think so.. i only remember watching tv and then talked to Keith till i fell asleep.

lack of motivation & enegry cos the office environment is so dull. i have been doing checking of the data since Monday. not that i am complaining but it's getting pretty boring spotting mistakes. and when the data isn't right against the list that i am checking.. with the figures wrong and the good receiving order list different from the invoice.. it is really driving me crazy.
This is the reason why i DO NOT want to do ACCOUNTANCY! I had had enough of it since seconday four. *grrr*

moody cos it's a usual thing. it is making me not to think clearly. can't think straight. feeling very down. *smack* just want to be left alone and be back to norm again. HELP!

confused cos i am still unsure how is my after grad life going to be like. and i am worried. i really want to go do Biz Mgt in SMU but i doubt i can get in. with so many negative comments that i have been receiving.. i just can't believe in myself anymore. or rather i lost confidence in myself. i don't know what to believe or what to do. sigh. i am so doomed. so stuck. *smack* wished i can just smack myself till i wake up.

*cries*

I met Vanessa yesterday. We walked from Lido all the way to Suntec from 1.30pm to 7pm. Tho i didn't say much but i felt like she could read me. I am missing her so much. Thank God. Tho i am upset with her disappointment about the false hopes that her parents gave her to go overseas to study but i am very much comforted that she will be in Singapore for at least a few years. This means i would get a "walking" mate! Anyway, spent the whole of ytd slacking. so many tots going thru my mind.. just makes me hate myself even more.

i am so unstable right now. it is affecting my relationship. i really pity Keith cos he suffers the most. i throw my temper at him. i criticize him. i do all the nonsense that you can think of to him. i know i have hurt him deeply by doing that but i just can't control myself.

on the contrary, i love Keith alot. I am so afriad of losing him.

I am fighting very hard against myself to be a better person. sigh. i won't how long more must i fight. sigh. i am such a troubled kiddo.

thoughts that just won't go away,
negativity is the cancer of all hopes,
i just want to be whole again,
i want all the war in me to stop,
i don't need any pity,
i don't need people telling me what i know,
i just can't accept the fact of being told off in the face,
i just want to be me,
why is it that hard?
God, i need answers.
God, send me your Angels to guide me please.

I am confused.

*tears*

posted by JL @ 9:49 AM