living the world of hers; contradictions

sorry for not blogging

Feeling: sucky
Playing: songs
Location: home

last saturday night. i suffered from food poisoning. wad i ate? i think it was the yoghurt. anyway, i got a day of mc on monday. and now. i am better. i vomited and shit so much i thought it was the end of me. and i told mummy "if i puke again, i am going to drown myself in the toilet bowl." and so the doctor jabbed my left butt. no more puking. but the shitting continued for a while. and stopped for 4 days. how irritating to be sick.

period.



Mummy thinks I lost it cos my Faith is fading. I tend to agree tho I hate to admit it. I just feel all so drained and tired. Have I been cheating myself?


Mummy said I shouldn't be so hard. She asked me to soften down. Someone told me last week that I've too hard a character and I am someone difficult to live with. Is that true? Is that why I am scaring him away too?

I can't help but cried when I read the 893 msg that he sent me for the last 7 months and 11 days. Am i to be blamed only or both of us plays the part?

I have been feeling down and lost, burying myself with work. Working was like my medication to all my worries. All I want to do was to think of work cos it makes me alive and happier. But when weekend comes, I feel lost once again.

Ya. I am sick. SO WHAT?

You know something? Tho Kris and I meet up most of the days for dinner, i sometimes feel like I am not able to give him what's best of me, hoping and waiting for Saturday to come is what I do most of the time. Cos it's the only day i get to spend with him and showing him how much I treasure this relationship but of late, things are going down hill.

I can't seem to smile. I am sad.

Yes I am expressing myself on my blog again.

I am sad. I wished he would see me today.

posted by JL @ 10:09 PM