Womad
Feeling: hopeful
Playing: Start 98.7FM
Location: TSP
Hm. today's work load isn't heavy (
kris also hor? same same leh...), so it gave me some chance to surf the net to find some stuff cos my friend, Dave, will be here on Monday from Australia (but he's a Canadian).
It actually started when YY asked me where is "Ghana". So I went to yahoo.com (i don't google) to find that dumb place (it's in West-Africa). Next was Angola (Central Africa). Then I got curious and searched "Singapore". FWAH!
The next i know... I was in Yahoo! Travel surfing Singapore.
LOL.
And then...
I saw...
WOMAD!hm.. checked out the dates and realised, my division is gonna be the host of the biggest event of the year. exactly the same dates. argh. so sad. i wonder if i can sneak out.
recovery in progress
Feeling: much better
Playing: Linkin Park's Numb
Location: Home
Hm. thank you all. i'm much better. esp ash jiejie who is ever so concern abt me. kris who came to accompany me after reading my entry last night.
aye... i think it's only when you start to feel the saddest, only then will you bounce back. cos you can't find any reason to feel any sadder.
nods nods.
i am tired. work is draining me away. nights.
I want to be less selfless
Feeling: disgusted
Playing: Marion Raven's Here I am
Location: Home
Being selfish is something that I find it very hard to do.
I can't help but satisfy other people's needs before mine.
You may think it's a good quality that almost every one wants to have. Sadly, I beg to differ. I wish I could be less selfless. This way, I could protect my fragile heart and not be hurt.
I say "yes" to every request. It seems like I am almost scared of offending the other party. I really wished I could say "no". I really wished I could.
Silly you may find me. But I feel like my life is back to where the cycle always starts. Truthfully, I am tired of this life.
I can't help but think that it would be great if I could just stop breathing. How dumb you say. Then again, how many knows how i feel? How many sees that tearing me behind my cheery smiles?
On the side note, I wished he was here with me tonight. I can't help but think that it would be such a torture for him to come over again. He needs his space too. And perhaps, I need mine. (Is that why they say find someone you cannot live without? Is this how it feels? If so, he seem like he can live without me. grr...)
I wish I could be less complicated and less contradicting. I wish for my smile to come back to me again. I wish that after this whole crying session my life will be back on track.
I just wish that my wish for my birthday will come true and stay true.
Edit:
I apologise to those who showed their concern and I reacted rudely or injustly to you. Please forgive me. I promise to bounce right up soon. Right now, I am sure the crying sessions are my form of therapy.
World Cup vs Kris
Feeling: sleepy
Playing: Star 98.7FM
Location: TSP
World Cup vs Kris
1 - 0
i can't help but laughed at Kris when he called me just now and told me he lost to the World Cup (meaning he's very tired from last night's match) and would try not to stay up to watch soccer matches. Kris wanted me to show him some care and concern but his evil meanie girlfriend can't help but say, "You deserve it!"
actually, i think Kris is just getting OLD.
*laughs*
What do you think?
World Cup vs Sharon
Feeling: hyper
Playing: Natalie Imbruglia's I won't be lost
Location: Home
World Cup vs Sharon
1 - 0
Every four years, i think most attached females would lose their other halves to the World Cup.
You know? so sad.
why is it so hard?
Feeling: so difficult
Playing: Liang Jing Ru's Yong Qi
Location: Home
it's so hard to give up on something that you love so dearly. it's even harder to give up on the person you love. as time goes by, feelings grow. you start to feel attached to him.
i thought i could make it through with just his love but it's not easy when i am someone who wants so much more. yet he is someone who accepts what little i can offer.
today was no different from the last two weekends i had. it was spent without him. we are both differnt. he's logical, i am practical. i am emotional, he's not. he wants to spend time alone when he's moody but i want him to be around me when i am moody.
you say, "as long as love is present, it can overcome all odds." really? what if i can no long feel that love but i know that he loves me. how can i carry on when noone says anything? how can i carry on when i can't understand him anymore?
wounds will heal only if nothing irritates it. how can a wound heal if it gets stabbed over and over again? even if time permits, the flesh won't be able to hold on and i might just one day give up and perhaps the fade away...
it's like losing all hopes. losing my only hope is like losing my everything. he is my only hope (i guess that's why i can't give up just yet). i don't know how much longer can i hold. i don't understand why can't i just give up.
another 12 days to my birthday... do i have to go through this heart ache again? i am so afraid of what's to come. what if he's moody again next weekend?
"life's unfair" is what i told one of my friends when he complained to me about his "new" life in tekong. i suppose it applies to everyone too.
i am tired too but i try not to be and go on cos there's more to life than just being tired. i just hope and pray that you don't make me give up cos it will be the end.
i feel so messed up. i feel so lost. i can't seem to climb out of what i am in. i want things to go back to the way it was. i want my life to be back on track. yet this dream seems so far and out of reach. what is gonna happen to me?
why do i have to go thru so much pain before my birthday? I remember my 20th birthday was spent in much fear. I remember my 19th spent in lots of unhappiness.
This year, my wish is no different from the rest. I just want to be happy and my life to be back on track again.
goodnights.
the kind of girl...
Feeling: lost
Playing: nothing
Location: home
i'm the kind of girl who wants to put my head on your shoulder, not because i'm tired, but because i want to be closer to you...
i'm the kind of girl who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than inside your bedroom or in an expensive resturant...
i'm the kind of girl who says,"ok, but you owe me..." jokingly not because i actually want something, but because it means i get to spend more time with you...
i'm the kind of girl you can take absolutely anywhere and i will have fun because it means i am spending time with you...
i'm the kind of girl who is incredibly picky, but when i find someone i like, i want to spend the whole night curled up in his arms...
i'm the kind of girl who never forgets all the sweet little things you do for me...
i'm the kind of girl who once i let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it. Even if we spend time apart, i'm the girl who never forgets you..
i'm the kind of girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss..
i'm the kind of girl who you can talk to you about anything..
i'm the kind of girl who laughs at your jokes...
i'm the kind of girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason...
i'm the kind of girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the neck..
i'm the kind of girl who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a word...
and... i'm the kind of girl who would rather share your sad moments than your happy ones.
blue tuesday
Feeling: sleepy
Playing: nothing
Location: TSP
so sleepy. so cold. so yawn-y. i can't stop yawning. i want to sleep.
tv prog on channel 5 was good last night. desperate housewives, grey's anatomy, scrubs, frasier... on and on till 1 am.
did i explain why i was tired already?
nodsnods...
so sleepy... i have no freaking idea how am i going to pass thru the day. the tiring thing.. tonight there's church. after that, i know i won't go back and sleep but stay up to watch csi and maybe criminal minds.
see... so addictive.
even kris is glued to tv now.
cos on sunday night, he was just glued watching channel U. there was wang li hong on tv and he was just blown away by him. *shivers*
so gay.hm... i can't keep my eyes open. i need to sleep....... and it's only 9am.
how the hell am i gonna get thru the day?
any ideas?
aye! before you accuse me of not working. i have to clarify myself. no shipment out, no work. so i am waiting for my shipments to go out. other then that, i can't think of anything else to do. i am brain dead.
*yawns*
did i mention that grey's anatomy is good?
esprit-addict
Feeling: addicted and bored
Playing: colleagues shouting
Location: TSP
Ha.. I am getting addictted to Esprit clothes, timewear, blah blah blah... Erh.. Tho I don't have the money to buy every single clothes in that shop but ever since young, I am an Esprit fan.
At least I can proudly say I have an Esprit Shades.Erh... I am *ahem* aiming for...
Wahahaha....
This is the result of waiting for emails to come in so that I can do my work. All becos my customers are in India and Dubai (2.5Hrs and 4Hrs behind SG time).
Tonight, I will be stuck in a meeting. Goshh...... I feel shitty. Literally.
Muwahahhaa.... I am bored to insanity.
Oh yeh, YY and I were browsing thru asia.cnet and she chance upon the N80 VS SE K800 article on a forum. So sad.. how can they compare a cybershot camera and a nokia (don't know what brand but I am guessing olympus) camera?
YY is trying to convert me to to be SE user, while I remain loyal to Nokia. Hmm... I wonder if they would give me loyalty points or something for being so loyal to them. Even Mama also loves Nokia.
Hey! Nokia! Give us loyalty awards leh.. Give me one free N80 already...keke.. back to work. ciao~!
day out with mummy
Feeling: better
Playing: Channel 5
Location: Home
Guess what?! Kris is coming!!! Wahahahaha.... so happy. lalalalalalaa....
Anyway, went for 1130 mass at Holy Cross Church. Almost melted. Can't wait for the church to start renovations. I love that church. The feeling is just different. After that, mummy came to pick me up for lunch (at Ten Mile Junction Ramen Ramen) and actually some window shopping which we din end up going. wahahahaha... Becos i made an appointment with STRIPS Holland V for a pedicure and menicure to go. And mummy waited for me at Gelare while i did that. How nice. Hahaha... Even my menicurist was a little jealous. Hee..
I've pictures to show.. so Enjoy~!
Btw, does my toe nail colour look purple? erh? No?
sorry for not blogging
Feeling: sucky
Playing: songs
Location: home
last saturday night. i suffered from food poisoning. wad i ate? i think it was the yoghurt. anyway, i got a day of mc on monday. and now. i am better. i vomited and shit so much i thought it was the end of me. and i told mummy "if i puke again, i am going to drown myself in the toilet bowl." and so the doctor jabbed my left butt. no more puking. but the shitting continued for a while. and stopped for 4 days. how irritating to be sick.
period.
Mummy thinks I lost it cos my Faith is fading. I tend to agree tho I hate to admit it. I just feel all so drained and tired. Have I been cheating myself?
Mummy said I shouldn't be so hard. She asked me to soften down. Someone told me last week that I've too hard a character and I am someone difficult to live with. Is that true? Is that why I am scaring him away too?
I can't help but cried when I read the 893 msg that he sent me for the last 7 months and 11 days. Am i to be blamed only or both of us plays the part?
I have been feeling down and lost, burying myself with work. Working was like my medication to all my worries. All I want to do was to think of work cos it makes me alive and happier. But when weekend comes, I feel lost once again.
Ya. I am sick. SO WHAT?You know something? Tho Kris and I meet up most of the days for dinner, i sometimes feel like I am not able to give him what's best of me, hoping and waiting for Saturday to come is what I do most of the time. Cos it's the only day i get to spend with him and showing him how much I treasure this relationship but of late, things are going down hill.
I can't seem to smile. I am sad.
Yes I am expressing myself on my blog again.I am sad. I wished he would see me today.
